Discouragement, That Leach Draining Me of My Hope

If disappointment is an un-caged beast then discouragement is a leach draining me of my hope.

Reflecting on February 11, 2010–

Most of that day was waiting! I did laundry, talked, laughed, read, sang, read, napped, wrote, re-read notes from Renee and waited. This day reminded me of how selfish my outer man is unless the Spirit gives direction. I find that if direction is not given to my feelings, I begin to feel sorry for myself and the cloud of great unknowns lay like a blinding fog on top of everything.

The only place I could be alone was in the bathroom area for any length of time, and even then not left alone for long. I walked through the damp sheet that separates the hallway from the bathroom and immediately begin to splash through the poorly drained floors that must be filled with everything that doesn’t drain. I splash my way to a stall and begin to weep with my face to the wall.

I pondered; Why do I have to hide my emotions from the others? Why can’t I keep discouragement from latching itself upon me like a leach and draining me of my hope? Why did I send word on to Silas to come with me? Why this fear? Can I endure a conviction of guilt? What has happened to my name? Will anyone ever respect me again? Can I live the rest of my life separated from Renee? Why does the proof of our innocence have to go through this agony? Why do they have to continue putting beans in my rice?

I found myself complaining to God, thus proving my completely selfish nature that plagues me all the days of my life. Is this my ‘thorn in my flesh’? I can’t believe I’m complaining to you God. You graciously provided. You are not unjust to give me Hell, yet you have chosen to receive glory from me. And look at me, complaining. I’m suffocating in my selfishness.

I would weep to hear from God.

Then… the Psalms would lodge themselves in my mind. I would begin to preach to myself a non-disappointing hope in Christ. And the answers to my questions began to be answered with satisfaction. Where does my help come from? “My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” I deserve Hell and God has given me his word to read every day while in this pit. I deserve Hell and God has allowed me to use my shoes and my Bible as a pillow at night. I deserve eternal separation from God and God has fed me every day. So I must lift my eyes off of this wall of filth and look to the Lord, the King of Glory. If conviction is lowered upon us, and it will be within the pleasure of God for His name’s sake, then He will not be unfair to do so. I will be in need of You dear God, to help me point You to the nations to show them from where my hope comes from.

God what does hope in you look like in a dark jail cell? How have you carried countless others through much worse than this? Will I be able to say, “My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth?” With or without freedom?

1 I lift my eyes toward the mountains. Where will my help come from? 2 My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. 3 He will not allow your foot to slip; your Protector will not slumber. 4 Indeed, the Protector of Israel does not slumber or sleep. 5 The Lord protects you; the Lord is a shelter right by your side. , 6 The sun will not strike you by day or the moon by night. 7 The Lord will protect you from all harm; He will protect your life. 8 The Lord will protect your coming and going both now and forever.      Psalm 121:1-8 (HCSB)

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May the grace of God give strength to his servant Saeed Abedini in Iraq, today.

1 Comment

  • Ines L Merrill

    February 6, 2014 at 12:45 PM Reply

    Here I am complaining about I know not what and reading my mail. I’m so greatful that I decided not to go with you all to Haiti but feel so guilty that I didn’t go I guess,no I know God Had a reason. All I know is I prayed so much I thought I would burst. I was worried about Renee but couldn’t get hold of her. Tell me why I don’t just leave it to the Lord. I’m thru ranting. I gotta get going. I’m praying forPastor Saeed

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